Bubblegum Bridges and Shortcuts

Life throws problems at us. The reason they’re problems is that there’s something buried deep inside of us that doesn’t fit with them. However, because it’s buried deep inside, we don’t know about it. So when a problem comes our way, we fix-up an ad-hoc solution to the problem. We grab whatever’s lying around–sticks, leaves, flat stones–and lash them together with bubblegum to make a bridge that gets us to the other side.

In a scene from Indiana Jones, Indy is about to cut the unstable rope bridge

Kind of like this bit, but in reverse. Only the racist Indians are the problems… but they’re still advancing. Best not to think about the analogy too much otherwise it starts to fall apart…

So life rolls another problem our way. It’s a problem because there’s still something buried deep inside ourselves that jars with the outside world. But it’s still buried, and we still don’t know what it is. The bubblegum bridge we built last time–the ad-hoc solution–doesn’t quite work this time. The ground on the other side has shifted and the bridge won’t hold our weight. So, we grab some more of whatever we can find, spit out another wad of gum and fix things up as best we can. And we get across.

But then, there’s another problem. It comes from that same thing, buried inside ourselves. We still aren’t aware it’s the source of all these problems. So, we get chewing on the bubblegum and gather our sticks and stones to remodel our bridge again.

Building these bubblegum bridges starts when we’re very, very young. When we’re very, very young it’s pretty much all we’re capable of. When we become aware of the thing buried inside, the root of these problems, we can tear down the bubblegum bridge and build something sturdy and real.

When we grow into adults still unaware of the root of these problems, the bubblegum bridges become huge, contorted masses kept together only because they’re falling apart in every direction with equal force. Walking across them does us damage. It restricts the choices we are free to make. But the idea of tearing it all down and starting again… a little pain, a few closed doors is so much easier.

Let’s say you, unknown to yourself, believe that everyone you meet hates you. It happens to more people than you’d think. So, the first bubblegum bridge is to avoid everyone. That works for a little while, but not very long. So you start forcing other people to do what you want, because that’s safe. But then people start to avoid you. So you start scripting conversations in your head so it won’t wander into uncomfortable territory. That works for causal interaction, once you get the hang of it. So you avoid anything deeper. You avoid any situation you can’t control. When you can’t avoid those situations, you fall back into being bossy and imposing your will. And if anyone does get close to you, you push them away. But you can’t go to parties because the scripts don’t work there and you end up alone and hiding the shadows of a corner. And you can’t learn archery because there’ll be someone telling you you’re doing things wrong, and you’re only coping mechanism is to try and impose your will.

Bubblegum bridges. Ad-hoc, often destructive solutions to underlying problems which are painful and difficult to find, dig out and deal with. Solutions which have been augmented over a number of years into complicated and treacherous rituals which even you sometimes fall foul of.

I only have a small thought box, you know. I don’t know a lot about neuroscience, and the reading I’ve done seems to be saying that neuroscientists don’t know a huge amount, either. I mean, they have oodles of data but not enough to have a proper name for your thought box. At least, not one they can all agree on. And if they do, I don’t know how to find it and I don’t want to make an arse of myself by mis-sciencing all of ya’ll.

Anyway, your thought box is where your conscious thoughts are. As well as, ‘I want a pickle’-type thoughts, it’s the place where you do all the talking to yourself, the churning over of ideas, the debating over the merits of pickle eating… basically, all the stuff in your brain you’re conscious of.

The size of someone’s cogitatio capsa (does the Latin make you more comfortable? Make this whole ramble seem more sciencey?) is a big determining factor in how smart we think someone is. Take multiplication. Maybe your cogitatio capsa can’t do the maths for 2352×423. So you break it down into bits you can do. The bigger those bits and the more of them you can hold (and more bits mean you’re more likely to make connections between them), the smarter you are.

The bits for me have to be very small. Complex ideas won’t fit in there. This is why I have to write everything down to make sense of it.

It’s also why I have a habit of coming up with these little sayings. ‘Ad-hoc, often destructive do-dah whatsits’ won’t fit in there. The whole reason I have ideas is so I can examine and manipulate them. So I can understand them. So I can use them to talk to myself. The phrase, ‘bubblegum bridges’ fits in quite nicely, and serves as a shortcut to the longer, more complex definition. It leaves plenty of space for other things. I only have to articulate the simple phrase ‘bubblegum bridges’ to get the full benefits of the complete definition.

I don’t think I’m the only one who needs shortcuts to complex ideas. I mean, we have ‘Big Brother’, ‘space race’, ‘multicultural’ and dozens more. If you ever find any of mine useful, then feel free to take them. I won’t lose anything. And I wouldn’t be sharing them if I didn’t want them to be shared.

Floating

Not Waving, But Drowning by Stevie Smith (1953)

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

~ * ~

I’ve found it difficult to get people to understand what it’s like in my head. I have no other frame of reference. And, well, neither do they.

The metaphor I’ve fallen back on most is that of swimming. In my life, I’m in a huge sea with no land anywhere in sight. The only way to stay above the waves is to swim. Constantly. Every damned minute. If you stop swimming, you start drowning. It’s why I sometimes just feel so… tired. Why I just want to be able to rest, to not have to fight to keep my head above water.

I’ve spent most of my life sinking. Just like in real life, my natural buoyancy level has been somewhere above my eyebrows. So, if I want to breathe air and not water, I need to keep on swimming…

Recently, though… Things have been different. There are times when the water line is under my mouth. Times when I can put all my energy into getting somewhere, instead of spending most of it staying afloat. Times of floatation.

It may be the same small victory as the last one, but now I have a concise way of expressing it. That means I have a concise way of thinking about it, and that’s the first step to understanding it.

A powerboat travelling at high speeds, thrown off the water's surface after hitting a wave

Next step, motherfuckers!

Picture from Wikipedia

Falling Asleep, Redux

A while ago–December 28th, 2010, to be exact–I wrote a blog entry for a blog carnival of mental health. The subject was ‘Night’. My contribution wasn’t exactly cheerful:

“[Falling asleep is] when I can stop fighting. I don’t have to deal with the world, with any of the people in it or be prepared for what it might throw at me. I’m free to think about anything I want to.

A lot of the time, I think about killing myself. I’m allowed to–this is my ‘stop fighting’ time, my ‘free time’ (time when I’m free to think what I want), remember? I think about how I would do it, what I’d say to whom in my last emails, and how, at my funeral, no one would really be upset but instead be happy I’d finally been able to lay down my arms.

Sometimes, I think about other forbidden things. Like living in a world where my sexuality isn’t a problem because anthropomorphic animals are just as common as humans, or being able to live my life in a sealed box where there’s no need for interaction with the outside world. Or I think about being captured, held hostage and tortured because, well, then I’d have a reason to be fucked up–or it might free me, like surviving one of Jigsaw’s traps.”

I don’t think about killing myself when I’m falling asleep any more. I don’t think about being tortured or living in a sealed box.

Well, I do. I still do. But not nearly as much.

Instead I think about who would win in a fight between Superman and the Hulk.

The Hulk and Superman fight a dramatic battle

My money’s on the Big Green, by the way

Or what I’ll do when I’m Prime Minister of the UK. Or what it’d be like to make first contact with aliens. Or what an awesome bass player I’m going to be. (I don’t even own a bass, just so you know. But I do really quite like the idea of being awesome at playing one.)

If I’m thinking about killing myself as I fall asleep, that’s a warning sign. It’s a sign I’m having a Rough Time, that I’m falling into a dip and I need to do something about it.

It’s not a way of life any more.

It may seem like something small, not worth posting about. But it’s not small. It’s a victory. It’s a victory that says, “I control my life, not my depression”. I’ve taken that control. I’ve fought for it, and I’ve won. Not the war, but a battle. When you’re fighting a war, you’ve got to find time to pause and celebrate your victories. Otherwise you’ll lose the will to keep fighting.

Pinkie Pie, from My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic, has a huge grin on her face and is ready to launch the party cannon.  The picture is captioned, 'What time is it?  God damn party time"

Hulk and Superman fight comes from here. Image of Pinkie stolen from here.

Your Reward is You Get To Play With The Other Children

You’re on a school trip. It’s somewhere awesome–you decide where.

As you’re getting off the bus, the teacher gives everyone a backpack to carry. He tells you that you’re not allowed to carry anyone else’s pack, nor feel anyone else’s to see how heavy it is. Anyone who does will have to sit the rest of the trip out in the bus.

You and your classmates run off like shot from a blunderbust in the way young children are wont to do, eager to wring every last second out of the day until they’re exhausted, grizzly, sugar-crashed wrecks that their parents are going to seriously consider feeding Valium to when they get home. However, it quickly becomes apparent that not all the backpacks weigh the same. In fact, they seem to range from almost-empty to holding collapsed stellar matter.

As the backpacks all look the same, some of the children carrying the lighter ones refuse to believe anyone has a pack heavier than their’s. Some of those with lighter packs make out like they’re carrying heavier ones. Some of those with heavier packs carry them like their empty. And all the while, the teacher looks on with detached, sadistic interest as his little social experiment plays out because, despite coming from a family of teachers, my personal experience with teachers when I was at school was almost wholly negative and now I’m taking the chance to have a little bit of petty revenge.

General Melchett, the incompetent and sadistic general from Blackadder Goes Forth

My Year 6 teacher.  Because if you’re going to have a bit of petty revenge, might as well go all the way. BAAAH!

Yours is a heavy pack. It’s not collapsed-stellar-matter heavy, but it makes doing anything other than sitting on the ground a supreme effort. And it’s not fair. Why should you have an unreasonably heavy pack when other people don’t? God dammit, it’s not fair.

And what’s your reward for getting up, fiddling with your pack until it’s comfortable, and making the best of the day? A gold star? A special ‘thank you’? Help carrying it? Nope. No one is going to give you a damned thing. You’re not even going to get a reluctant ‘well done’ from anyone, least of all the teacher.

Nope. Your only reward is that you get to enjoy the school trip, just like the kids with the lighter packs.

The astute among you will have already worked out that this is a metaphor for life. See, everyone has times when life is a fucking struggle, when it seems that every time you turn around, the universe punches you in the face. It’s not right, it’s not fair, and what reward do you get for dusting picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and trying again? Sweet FA. No ‘well done’, no gold star, no ticker-tape parade. Even though, without a shadow of a doubt, you’ve bloody-well earned one.

No, your reward is that you get to start enjoying life again. Because the world is, quite frankly, a fucking awesome place full of breath-takingly awesome things and flat-out wonderful people. Turning on a tap and getting clean, running water is fucking awesome. Mountains–whether carved by long-departed glaciers or rippling tectonic plates or violent volcanic fissures–are fucking awesome. Rainbows are awesome. Rain is awesome. When you think of the statistical improbability of life on Earth, it’s all just… awesome. Bemoaning the lack of awesome in your life is like swimming in a lake of perfectly-crafted milk chocolate and bemoaning the lack of something sweet to eat.

Whole Cheese and Tomato thin crust pizza

Pizza? Fucking awesome

It’s so very easy to forget that. It’s so very easy to only feel how heavy your backpack is and how unfair it is that you are being made to carry one of the heavy ones.

Like, I think, everyone else in the world, I have good times and bad times. Maybe once a month I’ll be able to shoulder my pack and play with the other children. And the rest of the time, fuck me but I want a gold star for fighting on.

But my back isn’t nearly the heaviest. And once a month is a hell of a lot more than I had a few years ago. If I keep fighting, I may even get it once a week. That’s got to be worth fighting for.

Pizza photo from Photoshelter, and used with permission.

 

Words We Don’t Mean: Small Talk and Small Steps

I’ve come across people in my life who don’t like to talk about the weather. I came across one the other week who said something along the lines of, ‘what’s the point? It’s bloody obvious what the weather is.’

A lot of small talk is like that: discussing the obvious. It’s taken me over twenty years to discover why.

(And now, a disclaimer! I think what I’m talking about is small talk. I’ve never met anyone who can define and explain what small talk exactly is to me. All the stuff I’m about to talk about I’ve pieced together through careful observation and trail and error over the last decade.)

See, a lot of people will probably think this whole post is silly and not worth saying. But I was never properly socialised as a child. I never learnt the unwritten rules of society, how to interact with people, what should be said, when and how. I was in my early twenties before I realised that when someone you kind of know passes you on the street or where ever and says, ‘Alright?’ the correct response is simply, ‘yeah, alright?’ They’re not asking how you are, if everything is all right with you. It’s simply a way of saying, ‘I recognise you and acknowledge your existence’.

It’s only now, at the age of 32, I’m beginning to understand the purpose and rules of small talk. At least I think I am.

As far as I can tell, it has two purposes:

  1. To find common ground with a stranger;
  2. To create a relaxed and friendly atmosphere.

The second one is easier to explain: thought follows action. If you’re sharing a space with someone–a lift, a meeting room, a kitchen–then you don’t want to be stuck in a horrible and awkward silence. In order for the conversation to work, you both have to put on the face of someone who’s relaxed and cheerful and because that’s the way you’re acting, you both walk away feeling relaxed and cheerful. It makes for a more pleasant atmosphere, and the atmosphere affects all those who breathe it in. That’s why it’s important in spaces you spend a lot of time in, with people you may not have anything in common with–places like work.  (It’s also an entirely socially-constructed necessity, but that doesn’t mean we can escape it.)

Now, back to number one: common ground with a stranger. When you meet someone for the very first time and you don’t even know what their name is, the weather is fucking fantastic. It’s the one thing you can pretty much guarantee you both have in common!

A bleak landscape, covered in yellow clouds with a fork of lightning striking

No matter how bad the weather is, it’s better than no weather at all. Or the weather on Venus. That’s a planet where the phrase ‘acid rain’ means something.

More than that, it’s something that opens up huge numbers of potential gateways. After all, the weather is always with us and affects pretty much every part of our lives. So, it’s potentially an opportunity to talk about any part of our lives.

For example:

Person A: “It’s really coming down out there.”
Translation: Do you want to have a conversation?
Person B: “Yeah. Not much fun for us but I guess the garden’s grateful.”
Translation: Okay. I have a garden. Do you have any interest in anything garden related? You know, plants or growing things or dirt or weeding? Any garden-related anecdotes? How about something to do with having fun in the rain?

Or:

Person A: “It’s really coming down out there.”
Translation: Do you want to have a conversation?
Person B: “Yeah, but you know there’ll still be a hosepipe ban.”
Translation: Okay. Water companies suck, amiright? Well, big companies in general. Do you agree? What about the government? Any big organisation? And, you know, isn’t it annoying how all this arbitrary rules seem to govern our lives? Do you have any anecdotes about water or arbitrary rules?

Conversations like these are a game. The idea is to open up as many potential gateways in your answers, and spot the potential gateways in your partner’s.

For example, Person B offers three gateways in the first example: Fun; Gardens; and Being Grateful. Person A can respond on any of the offered topics, getting extra points for keeping it relevant to what’s passed so far in the conversation.

So, in the first example, Person A might say:
“Yeah, my parent’s garden was looking pretty tired when I went round there the other day. My dad’ll be grateful he doesn’t have to water the flowers.”

Now, Person A’s done something interesting here. Why talk about his parent’s garden, and not his own? And why was he round there the other day? And he opens more gateways: Parents; Visiting Parents and/or Relatives; Garden Care; Flowers; Division of Labour Between Parents.

Person B can now pick up on one of the questions, or follow another gateway. This where Person A and Person B start to find out a little more about each other. For example, Person B might enquire why Person A mentioned his parent’s garden and not his own, and Person A might tell him that he’s just moved into a new flat and it doesn’t have a garden. Or Person A might say he was helping his dad to fix his car. Maybe Person B also does a bit of car maintenance and voilà! Common ground!

Someone skilled in the art of conversation will have the ability to open gateways in their half of the conversation and pick up in the gateways in the other person’s without even thinking about it. It’ll be instinctual.

Me? Well, I feel the need to make an entire blog post out of it. I can’t do this kind of thing on the fly any more than I could juggle flaming torches riding a alligator-powered unicycle.

And I don’t like it. Playing this game makes me uncomfortable and want to retreat somewhere deep, deep inside myself where the outside world is little more than a badly-rendered special effect. I have absolutely no natural talent for it and, as a child, was forced to play it again and again and again. Anyone with no natural talent for sport who had to endure weekly P.E. lessons and sports days every year knows how I feel. It is any fun to play rugby when your overwhelming memories of it are being ten years old, not knowing the rules and having people beat the crap out of your at, as far as you can tell, entirely random points? And lets also imagine it was cold and raining and muddy and the P.E. teacher was a sadist who’d stand and watch you in the showers, because it’s my analogy and if you’re going to do something you might as well go all the way.

A screen capture from the film Predator, showing Arnold Schwarzenegger covered in mud and waiting to battle the alien Predator

And there he is, the fullback.  Look at his face.  Look at it.  He wants you to tackle him.  He needs it. Driving your face into the mud is the only time he feels alive.

The sod of it is that the game’s even harder than I’ve made it sound. As Jo recently pointed out, the words are only a part of it. You’ve got to judge tone of voice, body language, facial expressions. You’ve got to know what’s appropriate to say under what circumstances. And these aren’t things you can learn by route, because every individual and every circumstance is different. And that sucks, because the two ways I learn best are route learning and writing things out, both of which are of very limited use here.

Still, regardless of how I feel about myself I’m in a human body and in human society, and so this game is one I have to learn. And I have to want to learn, and want to be good at it.

One step at at time, Foxie. I know the game has rules now and I want to want to be good at it. I mean, social contact is awesome and other people are awesome. I want to want to let them into my life and increase the amount of awesome in it. It’s just going to take a little time to break the habits of a lifetime.

So I guess this post has two purposes: for those who find the whole idea of small talk bewildering and pointless, don’t give up! There is a set of rules under the chaos and so there is hope! And for those who’ve tried to have a conversation with me only to find it dying quicker than Stormtrooper against named cast members, it’s probably my fault and it’s not because I don’t like you, it’s because I’m crap at this game. But I’ve not given up and, maybe, I’m even making some progress.

So… how about this weather, huh?


Images:
Venetian weather taken from the Astrium internet site, and copyright to the ESA, which I think in this case stands for the European Space Agency.
The scary fullback is Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1987 film Predator.  But you knew that.

Water: The Best Cure I’ve Found For Depression

Judith, my CBT councillor, told me I should drink a glass of cold water if I’m having a particularly hard time. I was sceptical, but tried it anyway. You’ll never guess what… It actually works!

A glass of water stands in front of windows spotted with rain

Ah, the most precious resource on the planet! Excuse me while I defecate in it. #FirstWorldTrolls

See, a cold drink is like a hard reset for your body. All those processes that are churning away in the background are stopped and restarted. That means all those negative, reinforcing physiological things your body does which makes your brain think you’re depressed are stopped.

It also rehydrates your brain. Your brain needs water to survive. It needs to be well-lubricated, like a car engine. When its lubrication runs dry, it starts to shut down and when your brain starts to shut down, that’s depression. A good drink and it gets back up to speed again.

Incidentally, these are also the reasons why cold water is great for a hang over.

Water by itself doesn’t make the world rainbows and ponies. Depression is a many-faceted, complicated thing that wears the face of your friends and lovers. Its roots lie deep within the mind, like magma under the Earth’s crust that bursts forth in destructive geezers.

The physiological and psychological responses of your body can be either cause or effect. Keeping on top of them ensures you’re at least on top form to fight the pyroclastic flows sweeping towards you from your bottom lines.

Who’d have thought that the substance most essential to our existence could be so useful?